20 and 21 (Birthdays, not the years)

I've had two birthdays under lockdown now - my 20th and my 21st were both spent scrambling to find ways to make the most out of the day, seeing as any day standing out from the next at the moment is pretty rare. For my 20th, I barely remember what I did - I played games with friends over the internet and drank cider, I think. For my 21st, I was committed to making it stand out a bit more for a few reasons. One being, of course, that it's the big 21 - the last "youthful" birthday you get, far as I hear. I visited my girlfriend, opened some nice presents, went to Kingston with my dad to pickup a takeaway instead of a restaurant meal, and went out of my way to play every game my friends bought me to show them it and experience some variety. All in all, I think I was more successful this year. A new computer that futureproofs my setup for the next half a decade was a win too.

The second reason is lockdown related - every day flows together right now. I wasn't feeling it in January, but now going to bed at 1-2am every night and waking up at 10am every morning, without having any reason to get dressed, is beginning to get a bit tiresome. I have the same jobs to do on game development and general life stuff every day, and I have the same routine I follow through, with. Exercise helps keeps me a bit more on top of things than I would be, but I didn't clear out as much as I wanted to, and I feel like I've only made a surface-level dent in the stuff I meant to sort out. The end result is every day mostly blending together. I didn't want a birthday to be like that - even though I prefer Christmas for traditional and communal reasons, I still look forward to a day where I get to stop thinking about working and others for a little bit and mostly think about doing what I'd like to. My 20th still mostly felt like I was worrying about what had to be done instead of what I wanted to do. My 21st, thankfully, didn't fall into the same trap.

The third reason is where I start to feel a bit silly even talking about this, but something that preys on my mind all the time - part of the reason I am so committed to creative projects and productivity - is that I've got limited time. Not, as in, my schedule is full - which it is - or I don't have enough time, ever, to get the stuff done I want, which I don't. As in...none of us have unlimited time. There will come a point where I've ever done what I wanted to, or it's too late to ever rectify this. I talk about this very rarely with my girlfriend - I think trying to talk to anyone else about this is at risk at either bringing them down, or getting a "you're being ridiculous" back. I know, of course, that I've got plenty of time in the long run - all goes well, another sixty years at least - but the need to make sure each year doesn't become a year where nothing notable happened is strong. 2020 comes dangerously close to that - had it not been for me releasing one of my game projects and then a few updates for it, I think it would've been pretty uneventful in the long run. I spent most of 2020 backtracking, really, and only made forwards progress on my hobbies.

Ultimately, I will remember the 21st positively, even if it wasn't spent boozing with my workmates. With lockdown and the COVID chapter slowly coming to a close, there's a decent chance the 22nd won't be such a scramble to make memorable. Maybe I'll go away somewhere with my girlfriend and whatever cash I've got from a (theoretical) job by then, make it a bit more interesting and unique. The only thing I can do right now is hope. That, and finish off this pack of Oreos I've had kicking around for a few days.